Cassie

highfedility @ 2004-02-03T12:15:00

2004-02-03T20:21:34Z

Well after some venting to my friend Tonya, I think I just kinda picked up the peices and went on. I was up one night with my friend Kent, talking about dating. We were telling eachother about all of our past relationships, and pretty much, dating Tyler was the only healthy thing I had started on so I gave him a breif of that. It was weird, cuz I was telling it to him as it was going on, trying to explain what happened, how I reacted and what I thought but ..now what I realized and how I felt and that I felt all screwed up and embarrest. But it was really cool to tell it to him, because he told me the ways he would screw things up, haha. :) I dunno, I'm feeling alot better. I took the lesson and moved on. I dont know what's up with me and Kent, I believe he likes me and I've been giving him all the signs that say I like him but I'm not about to move on it. Good things come slow, and I've still got to really figure out what I want. I guess, it's not a big deal. But I dont want to create something than have things catch up to me.

I'm getting better at guitar, that's always cool. Oh crap, I have a lesson tomorrow! I almost forgot. Anyway, I had something else to say but I forgot. Meh.

highfedility @ 2004-01-27T23:58:00

2004-01-28T08:38:04Z

So I'm writing on here again. Just looking through past entries, I didn't write much about me and Tyler. Yeah. I talked to him tonight. I really just thought he didn't have any intent on being friends, that he'd move back South and he'd be outa my life forever. I told him I didn't know if he wanted to talk to me and stuff,...he said that was rediculous. He said I had freaked him out, ...I had gotton upset and just brought up a bunch of questions, I wanted answers. I realized tonight Im never gonna be happy with any answer. I thought if I just knew..yes, he really did want to be friends, or no, he doesn't, I'd be fine. As soon as he answered what I needed to know, I just wanted him to answer it again. And again. Than I realized, it's not about him being so unclear, it's about me being so insecure. It's not a nice thought that after all this work, all this crap I went through, I'm still insecure, I still worry everything to death, I still cry over everything, i still make everything in to way bigger deals than they should ever be, and ..... I dont know. I'm just sick of myself.

Anything I guess.

2004-01-26T02:59:54Z

I miss Tyler. I wish we were actually friends, not..whatever this is if it's even anything.

You'd think it'd be easy to find interest in someone else, redirect your feelings but you cant, that's why memories suck. :)

I had fun seeing Kent and Calvin and church, and seeing Tonya so happy. I must be a people person, when i feel like I have good relationships in my life than there's a point to my day. Otherwise.. well it's pointless and boring.

I'm giong boarding tomorrow I think, with kent and his brother Kieth. Kents cool, it'd be awesome to date the guy. But I dont want to mess with dating.

Jack Johnsons so good. I love my work. Well, except when we dont close on time, but there's no one there I dislike, no bosses that have power trips, no nagging managers that create busywork, and I get instant cash and reward. Now if I got hours....

Meh.

2004-01-05T08:20:05Z

Update:

me and tyler broke up. he doesn't want a serious relationship, which is what it was turning in to. Obviously i do, how could you not want what it was or not want more? Dude, how could you be ok with less? That's not even possible, so it's..friends. It's hard, cuz I'm still having to go off of signs cuz words dont mean everything but we'll see. It's hard. There's a difference between not wanting a relationship like that, or not wanting it and not too hung up on the girl either. But I'll roll with it..

MOngolian Grill: 4 days a week. My service is sucking latley, either that or people decided to tip me crappy.

Christmas party with pacsun: I could never be friends with my old manager,s he's such a powerdriven snot. But nice, but it's written all over her. She puts herself above others.

Got a guitar for christmas, that's cool! Blah. My life is boring but really, after talking to tyler on the phone and having some signs to go off of..I'm not so stressed. .........good day.

So so..

2003-12-08T01:30:15Z

Ok, so obviously it's been a while since I've updated this since me and Tyler have been dating for a month or so. Apparently I went for him :) We get along pretty well, haha, Tyler, he's a funny guy. But yeah, I like him a lot, just weird with all the fears and mind chatter. they're there for a reason though but until I start to trust more than I wont worry so much. I'm not about to blab on about it here, I do enough in my head like it do any good on the internet. But yeah, well see how things go. It seems like I'm "meh" about Tyler but I'm not, it's just weird to sit back and try to explain your feelings for someone and feelings about a relationship.

So I'm sick, it's annoying. I feel like I have the flu, neusea, humungo headache, overall yuky feeling. But no puking, I even tried. Nope.

I went boarding twice the other week, awesome! Went up with Derek and Raphiel from work, that was awesome. Mike and Joanna showed up as I left but it was cool seeing them on the mountain. Than I went with Tyler. I really liked boarding with tyler,he was so supportive! Derek was way awesome too but it was kinda cool having a riding buddy there the whole time. haven't gone since..

This fridays my last day at pacsun, I quit cuz it's a dumb job with no future for me. So I quit that so I could work more hours at Mongolian Grill, in which will probably close in the next 2 months. So again, that has no future for me. But atleast I'll double my income for the next 2 months, which is important what with my car payments and retarted cell phone bills.

i dont understand why I fear confrontation so much and where all my power went. In rehab,and when I got out, I felt so good about myself. I was so strong, but now... I hold myself back alot, put myself...I dont want to say underneath people but behind would be a better word. I dunno. I was thinking about that today in church. I'm so focused on being laid back, and nice..and not cuz I'll be accepted, or atlesat i think, but i enjoy being that. But I think in the process I've lost a lot of confidence. This shows up in everything. Especially in relationships. So yeah. I'm done. once again, I've written a novel.

highfedility @ 2003-11-04T03:16:00

2003-11-04T11:22:40Z

Today I worked 9-5 and did mark downs the entire day so time flew by. Got my 6 month review from pacsun and was good, and I'm getting the promotion soon.

So I called up Tyler today to hang out. I went to Gresham, which isn't that far away, and we followed Burnside all the way to downtown Portland. In which we left our parking spot with out checking where we were at, and got lost on the way back. hahah! it was soooo cold and I had no idea where we were. We ended up at Pioneer Square and somehow stumbled back to my truck, Tyler tried to get hit by a car:) Than we went back to his apartments and watched Pulp Fiction with his room mate.

Word on Tyler: I'm amazed. He has so much to say, there's something about him. When someone makes the decision to change their life around, ..I can't even explain it. It takes so much courage. I can't even explain this guy, except I want to see him again. It's weird, I'm so afraid to get hurt. You'd think I'd be over this by now...

HALLOWEEN AND SNOWBOARDING! YEAH!

2003-11-03T08:26:21Z

Snowboard expo today. Got some socks, goggles never fit me, nothing else I "had" to have. Except that snowboard pass. Thought it would be 300, same as a 10xpass but it was on sale at 400. This was at the end up walking around overwhelmed, lost, and the need to buy something to not feel like a trip was wasted, so I didn't know what to do. Me and decision making when it comes to shopping is not good. I just came home and now, ahhh! :( It would have done me good to splurge the extra 100 and no for the rest of the season that money for chair lifts was totally out of the way. I didn't even think about that! :(

So. Halloween was cool, I was a dead snowboarder. Snowboard.com has my pics. I went to Mongolian Grill after Kim told me I could be bloody, and I got sent home. hahah! no, really, it was embarresing. Cuz I was inappropriate (scared the crap out of all the kids) but I didn't really want to work, we'd be open for an hour and half so I came home and went to the halloween dance with Dara and some other friends.

Ok. I saw Tyler my manager at the dance! That was fun. Dara tells me that Jordan just got back from georgia which..he's been there forever, and asked her on a date. Ouch. It still sucked to hear. I already admitted that nothing was going to happen and didn't go for it. But it's not supposed to happen like that! He's just supposed to disapear, not date my friend. It really sucked hearing, it hurt. I dont know why, it'sn ot justified but I never like people and I really had fun thinking I had a chance. So anyway. Enough about that exciting story.

The cool part about that night was at the dance I started talking to this guy. Usually I keep my cool around guys, I dont get nervous. Maybe I'm just never attracted to them a ton, but yeah. I got nervous, I hate it when that happens. But ...I dont want to write this, I gonna look back on this and it's going to haunt me I swear. Anyway, he was talking and I'd stop listening and just think ...oh my gosh, he's really cute. Really. And he smells good. panic. hahahahhaha. I wasn't sure what to think about it, I gave him my number but from the little info he gave me..he seems like he's emotionally unstable. Alot of struggles, and he didn't give me the normal reaction to me being in rehab. Normal as in..postive and respectful. Instead he asked if I was brainwashed and acted like it was stupid that I got sent away. So we talked onthe phone but he ended up being respectful about it, and I'm way interested so we'll see.

Other than that..still got my two jobs. And i'm tired. I write too much.

Red Flowers and moolah

2003-10-25T07:42:02Z

so I got my gloves. Was the trip easy this time? Haha, no. I went with my mom cuz she was heading downtown and there were 4 accidents on every highway. It was delayed, stop and go, but the carpool lane saved us, and timing. Anyway, my gloves were only 35 cuz they were last seasons. Yay! I put all my gear together, oh wow, it's so blue and white and matchy. Really, I'm scared.

I'm tired, I need to practice guitar. Last 2 days I haven't and I wont really have time tomorrow. :(

K that's all. OH yeah, I wore this red fake flower in my hair today and everyone told me that I looked beautiful, ...it was weird. And these 2 guys left me their number to the "flower girl" on a dried rice wrap, hahaha. I laughed. Meh, that's all. 67 dollars in tips tonight, busy busy busy, but no freaking out.

MY HEAD IS GOING TO EXPLODE .....POP!!!

2003-10-24T06:58:05Z

Journal update. I keep forgetting about this thing, but as long as I'm better at it than my brothers no complaining allowed.

I covered Kim's shift at Mongolian Grill, 4-9. Thursday, all alone. Riiiight. I had 40 FREAKIN TABLES!!! Is that possible? No, I nearly broke down. For an hour, I had no idea who was what, where was who, which was where, where to start...it's like I had 20 balls juggling, and dropped them all, and had to pick each unique one up in their correct order w/ no time to do it, cuz I had 8 different balls being lodged at me. Yeah. I can't explain how much I felt like I lost control on everything. So, a lot of customers not helped, negected, me running around crazy with my mouth dropped open and my hands literally on my head as a line started at the door. Made over 100 in tips though, pity tips I'd say. I came home with 90 cuz I tipped out but really, the people tonight were nice, understanding, and generous. What luck. So, next time Kim asks me to cover her shift? haha, right.

My knee's aching, and I work 11 hours tomorrow. I never work out so I'm getting fat, really. My once flat stomach is now evidence of junk food and no muscle... it's really quite sad.

So w/ all that drama, I'm not in a bad mood. In fact, walking out to my car made my day because the windows were slightly frosted. It feels so nice to have a crisp, cold autumn night. The 81 degrees we had the other day didn't excite me.

Story Time: I found nice gloves at this killer sb/skb shop on 23rd st in Portland. off of Burnside, I took sr14 to 405, crossed the freemont bridge and took that exit. Walah. Well that was w/ Dara. These gloves are expensive but I've decided, they're nice, and in my size (amazing, I know) so I go there this morning.

So being the retarted person i am, I take S. 205, listening to my music and waiting for the Beaverton exit. It occured to me...wait, it's not gonna come. I'm so lost, than I saw Johnson's creek exit. DUH!!! I freakin went to Clackamas, why in the world did I think..I dunno. So I take foster to turn around on and I get some stupid N. 205 detour which takes me to the further down Johnson creek exit. Waste of time. So I head home and think, duh, I should have taken I84, that's how I got to Joanna's house which is in Hillsboro. Right? No, I just couldn't agree that that's how I got there but I thought..well...ok. So I take it, and as soon as I get on it I realize...oh my freakin gash, I shoulda taken 14 to I5. Duh!! So I think, logically, I could exit on to I5 from 84, but I'm 90% sure I'm too far south and I've totally passed the freemont bridge. But oh well, so i take it, get on 405 and ...things are looking very familiar to going to Hillsboro. CRAP! So I take the nearest exit, before I'm doomed. I'm in this random downtown with one ways and I come to an intersection, no idea if I'm yeilding or if it's a 4 way stop. I watch this bus coming and it slows down so I edge forward than go and WOAH! This car raced passed me, and missed me by less than an inch, no reaction time to even slow down or stop from either of us. What is the luck? So. I go home. With no gloves. And go to work :(

Did you like it? i did, it was an hour of fun driving and a near accident. 2 actually. Now if anyone knows where my brain is today I'd like to have it back. And with no stress.

Goodnight.

An exciting update from me

2003-10-06T23:39:30Z

I forgot about this thing. It's not such a good thing for me to blab on about my thoughts, I'm sure it gives a pretty bad impression. i dont blab on about guys to everyone, guys usually are a negative in my life until recently but anyway. I guess I'll give the update. Only thing is I do like Jordan, I dont know him that well but it's obvious, to me, that there's zero interest from his part. I'd be cool to just be friends with him, that's what you usually start out with anyway but it's hard to act all normal when you know your attracted to someone. Dara's in Idaho so I haven't been doing much at all since she left. It's kinda hard being friends with her, were just not at the level I am with my other friends. We don't know eachother as much as we think we do. It's not cool when your friend likes the same person as you, especially if they're the type of person who likes to talk about everything. She actually clued in and asked, wait a minute, would you have a problem if I went on a date with him? First of all, this guy has future plans, he doesn't want a girlfriend, and hell yes I would. That is, if it so happened and I was pushed aside. If I've had my opportunity and nothing comes of it than that's that, I can't control anything else. But having her know I really like this guy, and go after him...no, that's not cool. ANd I told her that, and she said, she's the type of person that if she knows her friend has more feelings for someone then she does, she wont go after him. But I also said, dude, that's how I would feel, doesn't mean that's right. I have no claims, I can't. Anyway, she just said it's not a problem for her since she doesn't like him as much as I do. But the thing is...I dont even like talking about that. Cuz...he doesn't want a girlfriend, I'm not going after this guy like that and if I was, it's not supposed to be known. Cuz it's rude, to him. So anyway. You can see how me and Dara just aren't as on the same page as eachother. It makes me miss friends that know me really well but when I saw Joanna the other day, at first I felt distance. I've never felt that. Mike was an ass. he really was, I pointed it out that he seemed like he was depressed, and he told me to not overanalyze things. Which is a button he just pushed cuz he just uses that against me for whatever reason he thinks he needs. I dont like the vibes I get from him, that's that.

Anyway, I didn't want to blab on like this but my bro wants an update :) I went to Boom Boom Huck Jam, it was way awesome. You'd think I'd bust out on my skateboard today, see if I can land an ollie, just one. But I'm so wiped out. And work sucks cuz my managers straight out rude and treats me like i'm dumb, and cops an attitude, just isn't respectful and it's cuz she's upset about something. But when she's not, it's totally different. I feel like I'm done with it, I should take the position offered at Zumiez. Two different Zumiez. But walking away takes courage, and I dont want to deal with confronting it. Whatever. I dont want anyones advice, stop while your ahead.

I'm starting guitar lessons next Sunday. No luck with a car, my preference changes every day. And I'm done.

KAZAA

2003-09-10T07:47:27Z

I have more to say. I came home with bad news from my Dad. I really dont pay attention to the news, but apparently the big guys have gotton the law passed to allow the records of internet users to be open. This means that everytime we've downloaded a song, our tracks are now open to the big guys so they have proof against us in court for violating the copyright law. Not only are they busting shared users in court, but they're busting non sharing users as well. They're targeting right now, users who have tracked 1000 songs. That would include my family. Ofcourse they're going to the big name internet providers, such as comcast first so. I forget the number of people busted already but it's in the thousand. This means.. it's a big risk, it could happen to us, so my dad's uninstalling kazaa.

This is a big deal, I cried when I found out. Angry tears, it's just not fair (i hate using that pity filled saying but that's all I keep saying). I drive in my truck and listen to my music and think, I really love music. Music is my life, or atleast a huge part of it. It burns inside that nothing else can. It's such a major influence that there arn't even words to explain my apprecitation, admiration, and dependency even on music. Sometimes I listen to a song and think, I seriously love music. I dont think I'm affected by music just as much as the average joe is. I've gotton the opportunity to come across a genre of music that is so personal, that it is the power behind dreams. It takes a lot for me to find motivation, and although motivation should come from inside, music sets the tone. I've created a life ever since I got back, that I love. I had the choice to go in any direction, and this door was opened for me. I love learning about new bands everyday, new sounds, going to shows. Shows .. I sat back and thought the other day, what if I didn't have any friends who liked the music I do, what if none of my friends wanted to go to shows with me, what would I feel about the music, where would I go with it? Sharing things you like with other people fulfills it, do i have a strong enough liking that I would continue interest by myself? It's a good question. Maybe it's just a phase, maybe it's just a scene of life that I've happened to stumble in and greatly appreciate. The time spent with friends, the effects I've had and felt, the routine... Whatever nook you fall in, life changes. But despite all that, as of this moment, I love the music. I love what the lifestyle offers me, and not having the ability and freedom to learn and come upon many great artists at the rate it's been at..... it's not the same. This is a huge deal, i can't stress enough how much of an impact this will be. Because I know how much of an impact it has been with out this sudden restraint. I dont think things will ever be the same, ease and complication offers such different things.

highfedility @ 2003-09-10T00:01:00

2003-09-10T07:14:04Z

I saw Noah today.. I didn't really know what to say, it was a little awkward for me. I didn't even want to look him in the eye, just cuz I don't want anything to come out of anything, but it's obvious I like him. I still don't know wat I want to do with that, so I'll procrastinate it I guess. This guy that I've been eyeing at church forever now, was talking with Dara and friends when I showed up tonight, I couldn't believe it. I had been wanting to talk with this guy for..ever since I first saw him. Now, when I talk about being wowed, this is the guy that wowed me, and I haven't been wowed since I've been home. It's even greater that he likes punk music, he's skateboarded, plays the drums... I dont know. Apparently Dara was digging him thats why Cherish got everyone to start talking, I think Dara just dreams of how she wants things to be. Not with her and him I mean, but it's fun to talk about feelings towards other people but I think she gets excited and doesn't share her feelings about the realistic situation. If that makes sense. EX: she tells me I should go for this guy, we have so much in common, and it's exciting to gawk over him cuz... I can't even explain how attractive this guy is. But it's like.. are you just getting excited or realisticly giving me advice. I dont know what I want. But I never thought I'd actually talk to him. I was too afraid, or I just thought it wasn't worth it. I feel like I'm turning in to those people that lead guys on, jumps back and forth between guys, I dont like that. I also feel like because I've been so interested in this topic latley, plus hanging out with newer people, it's more about first impression. Now, it's normal to not want to give a bad first impression to people, but I've become increasingly more .. cautioned about how I show myself to others. It is probably because I'm in a new job, new people, must be accepted, and with guys.. its not like like, fine whatever, you dont accept me, screw you. Cuz you want to keep that second chance open to get to know a person, knowing you'll be judged. I dont know, it's all insane. I think too much. I guess, I just miss being around people who know me well. All these friends, they really dont know me. That's it I guess, I dont feel like all of me is being shown lately but I can't expect that. Dang, I feel confused and depressed. Well, not a ton but ya know. I feel horrible, I ignored Noah, but I really wanted to have him at the same time. But do i really? I dont even know why I'm typing all this lately, I thought I wasn't going to actually write down important things. Especially about guys, who cares about my romace life. Or lack there of. Crap, I gotta work tomorrow morning....

highfedility @ 2003-09-08T22:32:00

2003-09-09T05:43:33Z

Hmmm. Not much today. I worked at pacsun, 4 hours flew by. Worked at MG and I felt that I did really well. I got an 8 dollar tip too, that's really good. I did that for 3.5 hours and now I'm home. Eric wasn't there..apparently he told Allen that I ditched plans because I didn't trust him. Idiot, did I not express that I dont want to be around alcohol cuz I dont trust myself? Oh well. So Allen told him I was Mormon and I guess his reaction was, wooah, oh no, I'm done with this. Allen said he's had a bad experience with a mormon girl before. Grow up dude, you can't title everyone based off of one experience, you dont know where I'm coming from or remotely know why I believe the things I do. So. People are just clueless sometimes.

I hate people that joke around with you by being mean, smart asses, put downs. Cuz you know they're not really joking, it's just some way for them to feel above you, but play it off as a joke so they're not hated. yeah, a guy at works like that.

I have to go spend money on black pants, I got jeans that are faded black, hoping they'd work. Oh well, that's what I get for not checking.

Kristopher from sb.com is in town, that excites me. Hopefully he'll give me a call or I'll be completly dissapointed. Probably pissed off too but hey, he just got in :)

My brother called me on the phone after reading my im convo with my other brother sam about Noah, and Eric. (i tell my family everything..oh, that makes me a freak right?..sorry, I have to deal with idiots all day) Chris tells me I'm just afraid I'll get hurt. Yeah I guess, I'm just picky, I know how I want my life and I dont like any changes. I dont like the unexpected, at all.

My feet hurt. I think I'll start working out between my off hours. 3-6pm ..let's see if I actually do it.

I made 18 dollars in tips tonight, I worked 3.5 hours and had 6 tables. Not bad.

TROUBLE

2003-09-08T08:01:37Z

I was going to see A Static Lullaby and Strung out, totally stoked. But Jo and Mike had to cancel. I was chillin at mongolian grill w/ Kim as she closed and mentioned to the guy that has a killer crush on me that I wanted to go to the show if I found someone to go with. Why'd I say this? Who freakin knows, I'm a loser thats why. So turns out he knows and likes the band and suggested we go, gave me his number, told me to call him. Tossing it back and forth all day, whether to go (he drinks.. and leading people on is just mean) I call him and make plans. Me and Dara go hang with Noah and Zach, watch a movie and I was thinking, dang, I'd rather stay here and chill than go see the show, all the way down there, not in the mood, got good friends here, plus the drama with Eric. So i call Eric to cancel, totally butched it up. I started with a big sigh, and "well, see..." I was an idiot. I could have set straight up, I dont feel like going to the show any more, I'm having fun here, let's hang out some other time. Instead, I let it off that I didn't want to go for a bigger reason than that and was trying to cover it up with some lame excuse, damn it. I know better than that. So I ended up taking the..I'll say everything bluntly, totally honest about everything until there isn't anything left to say approach which actually went well. I told him why I didn't want to go, and brought up how he drinks and we have different standards, that I started the convo all wrong cuz I was nervous and was trying to make a decision based off of a gut instinct more than just one reason, and so on and blah blah. He was upset that I dogged out, and ofcourse, doing it with a lame attempt, but said he was actually really thrown back by the way I handled it and thought it was actually really cool. That I was intelligent and just so clear about everything that he couldn't be upset about it. So I just made the guy like me even more. Oh yeah, i told him I wasn't interested in him like that. So yeah, too much drama for me. So I hang up with another big sigh and head back in the house. Than..me and Noah started sitting closer. See, I've been interested in him ever since we first hung out but I always held way back just cuz I dont really want a relationship and if/when I do, I want to be totally wowed, so I know time and feelings aren't going to be wasted. So I think lately I started admitting to myself that I'm more interested than I wanted to be and slowly wanted his attention more. Damn it, why? I hate how you start to do things but lie to yourself about it, or wont admitt it or whatever we do. So anyway, some where in time I made the decision to test the waters with it more which is probably why I gave bigger hints out. So hey, we cuddled on the couch. It was nice. Keep in mind.. I haven't even kissed a guy, or had a relationship, or been interested in someone, or anything to do with that since my jr year. And when I did at that time, it was so rediculous, self impulsive...it was screwed up. So I'm really cautioned about all this. My problem is, ..I get so dang sick of being alone. So I think, I'll do something about it. But when I let up a tad more, I think, oh no, give it back, I dont mean it. I love my freedom. But I think I do that just cuz I want the best. I want to make sure what I have I'll be totally satisfied with. I dont want to date someone and have it not be worth it. So this is all too dramatic for me. What happened to chillin with travis, mike, and matt, and not having anything weird like this. So now I'm still wondering..should I hint that...it was fun but no. Or..keep going with it. I think it shouldn't be this hesistant also. I should know and be like, yes, I want this guy. I'm retarted, I'm dramatic, I think about things too much, and I have a mega cavity cuz I can't eat my freakin cocoa crispies with out having intense pain everytime milk touches my tooth. AHhH! Whoever reads this... I forgot people besides me brothers might read this so...oh well i guess.

LIFE

2003-09-02T17:14:20Z

Coldsores gone, but now I have an open gooey gash

Day after concert I felt horrible, drained.. well I got sick. Sore scratchy throat, headache, and 8-9 hour shifts. Yesterday sucked, that's all there is to say. I was at the register alllll day and was dieing over and over again. Let's hope with medicine I can survive the 9 hour shift today. Not feeling well sure took the motivivation for working two jobs.

So I can't take the truck up to the mountain, I apparently lost the priveledge when I full on sped in my Dad's car after he told me not to. I didnt take him seriously, and than pushed the limit, so when he asked I said ofcourse..then realize, uh oh. Problem is I didn't realize this new rule until...this week. Now how am I going to get up there. Work my butt off. In 3 months, if I work Pac Sun and Mongolian Grill I could maybe earn enough money. My parents are helping out with 2g. I need atleast 4g. I have almost 2g now. I'm working majorly full time at PS, so when I invisioned working MG at nights, I pictured a lot of hours. It will actually be two realistic part time jobs equalling full time. But I will get tips so it will work out I guess.

That's all for now, seeing Senses Fail was awesome, Homegrown was actually really good too. They all were.

DRIVE THRU INVASION TOUR

2003-08-30T08:02:58Z

Wow, I've missed a big concert like this, it was awesome. I walk in, and Senses Fail start playing so ofcourse I booked it to the front for that one. I actually went to the front for every band but I put so much energy out that by the 3rd band I'm passing out and about to be sick. Haha, it sucks. Homegrown kicked bootie, and Early November had me sold. Starting Line didn't play the songs I know.. well, one. But senses Fail rocked. It was really cool to see them again, but this time at such a bigger venue (good for them, not me, I liked it more personal) and knowing who they are.

My coworker Dan met me up their,\he had talked to HomeGrown apparently before but they were being weird I guess so basically backstage passes wern't gonna happen. Which was fine..there wasn't a backstage anyway. It was at the Crystal Ballroom which is..a ballroom and the upstairs overlooks the ballroom but upstairs is 21 and over. Mike's cousin who came went up there and caught the eye of the producer to the whole event. He looked exactly like Justin Timberlake, it was freaky! But he was even hotter, and not as..Justin Timberlake like. Anyway, so she scored me, Mike, and Joanna VIP passes for the aftershow party. Wooo! yeah. Well apparently the 21 and over rule still applied so we went home but the whole idea that I got a VIP pass is enough for me!!!

I didn't buy a shirt, I hate it when I do that. I dont buy what I want and I regret it, or I buy it than I regret it, than I end up glad I did. I know myself! ..so I splurged a dollar and bought a button, haah woo! So that's my night. Oh yeah. The crowd was pretty different from The Warped Tour, or little shows I go too. They were mean! Snotty, and dont care if they hurt anyone. I think it should be a number one law for concerts/shows, dont where your long mass of hair down. Atleast if your up front, it's like a sweaty discusting death trap. I feel like pulling it really hard, haha but I dont.

The Early November played a song I liked so I ran out to a good spot in the crowd and all a sudden the lead singer jumps in the crowd on me, haha, and we all fall and I full on fell and got fallen on. I've always feared that but see, people do help you up. So I wasn't a gonner. But it was still a fun concert and despite the crowd difference, I wont title everyone as mean people. And I came home to the good news that I don't work until 1 tomorrow. Yeah! Sleep!

ASIANS ARE COOL

2003-08-28T21:15:18Z

So today was my first day on the job. I was freaked out, not going in there, but before I even had an tables or anything. It's like jumping off of cliffs, your cool when your walking up, but then when you look over you freak, than you finally jump in and ..well I'm usally freaked everytime but most people get over it. I did 4 tables, everything went pretty good, except I spilt a cup of water and I didn't check up on a guy soon enough and he left with out me giving him his check or asking for icecream. Sad :( But it went well, Helen the owner told me I did well and tried to schedule me but I close every freakin day so I'm screwed until the new schedule is made. Hopefully I'll get mornings, we'll see :) But I'm happy. I got free food too!

SOMEONES GOING TO PAY

2003-08-28T16:20:35Z

Ok, I have the biggest cold sore on my lip. What the heck, I haven't gotton one of these since jr high! I shoulda have put medicine on it last night but oh no, I'm retarted. This sucks, my bottom lip is swollen, it freakin hurts, and when it gets worse, cuz it will, I will look discusting. And I remember, when i smile, it'll crack, and spread. What did I do to diserve this?! :(

WORK is not a word I want to hear.

2003-08-28T06:25:45Z

Work sucked. I didn't turn on my alarm clock, was 15 min. late, and was told that my request for evenings off to do Mongolian Grill wouldn't work. And no apoligies or somewhat concern for me not getting Friday off. Ok. Drama, I don't even want to explain it.

Ok, so she told me Pac Sun's priority, I can't just get evenings off, and basically was told that I have to remain full availability to them. Is that not wrong? I basically got told I couldn't get a second part time job, they can't do that. I wasn't even awake, seriously. I had been awake for 30 minutes. That's not enough for me to process half of a conversation, so I tried to peice together what it all meant, why I was so shocked, and figure out how it was ok for her to do that. Totally upset the whole day, didn't talk to her or anyone. I couldn't ask her about it, I didn't know whether to just say yes and feel totally controlled and stuck in my job or to stand up and say screw this, you can't tell me no. I quit. So back and forth, trying to put thoughts in to thoughts, cuz my mind was a blur from emotion, until 3. When I asked Shelby to talk to me about it when she got back from the bank. Meanwhile I told Tyler I was basically told no, I couldn't change my availability and ...that..can't happen...right? I asked if I was being unreasonable, he didn't think so. So yeah, majorly confusing and upsetting. So we talked and it all worked out, I didn't even know how to approach it. It's hard to stand up for yourself, I'm so used to doing this mental check thing and making sure I'm not being unreasonable, or stubborn, or selfish, I didn't know what to say. But I told her I thought it was a great idea, evenings. That way there's no chaos with scheduling. Oh, and see, she also in the beginning told me that so many people have schedules to work around that she doesn't want it anymore. Holy crap! I shouldn't be reprimended for everyone else! I've been nothing but super available for them so I dont get my chance?! Anyway.

So she tells me again pacsun's my priority job and they get my hours. I'm all..yeah but if you just schedule me whenever you want to, that leaves little odd hours here and there to try and work a part time job and that wont work, and I want to get on with my life, earn money, get a car, and ...do something. And she was way understanding... talk about oppostite expectation. Basically, she didn't want me to have a black and white availability cuz it'd screw them over if they needed me cuz I'm one of the top sales associates. And she'll try to schedule me in the mornings, and I'll just have to look at pacsun's schedule and get m.g. to work entirley around it. WAY different from what I thought she was saying. Big load of my back. I can do that. But dang, talk about feeling controlled personally by work.

So I get home and vent to my mom and she tells me how it's still not right for them to take total precidence over my availability, and that Stacy changed her schedule completely around for college, and there was no questions asked. But when I want to, I dont get my free reign. Who says college is more important than another job? That's a value judgement. Not what I wanted to here. I know that's true but I'm happy with what I got and the fact that she pointed it out pissed me off so I took it all out on her and dang... everything she said made me mad tonight (sorry mom!).

And I have this stupid bump on my lip and if it's a cold sore someones going to pay.

So. I bought black jeans (kinda, they're the faded kind, hope they work) and a white t shirt for m.g. grill tomorrow. My shirt was 8 dollars ,woo! But yeah, the pants for 40. So much for cheap pants, no one sells black pants! Well, I could get...dang it! What are they called, pants like girls dickies but other brands make em. Anyway, those would look stupid with nice shoes. yes they would. So. this is a mega entry and I told myself, no! i wont go in to detail over such stupid crap. But I did. And I'm done. And my lip still hurts.

Oh yeah. Me and Tyler were talking last night and I told him I'm going to be boarding a lot this winter. We've both gone twice, from what he explained were both about the same. So today he says he remembered that his bro has a board and his mom told him she'd pay him a pass for christmas! Dang..that's a big present. So woo! I'll have a boarding buddy.

highfedility @ 2003-08-27T00:01:00

2003-08-27T07:10:47Z

Today was a good day!

I woke up early (8:30 is early, especially when I could have slept in), actually cleaned my bathroom, and went to Mongolian Grill to talk to the owner. All I did was introduce myself, tell her I know Kim, that I work at the mall and am wanting to work there evenings and I've been in retail a lot so I have good customer service. Thursday at 11am I go in for training, woo hooo! I'm excited, but really, I'm nervous. Kim and Allen wont be there, they're in Seattle. Which is good, I'd rather not have them there watching me learn. I've never done food, it's a whole new ball game but I've just got to not psych myself out. Allen scared me, apparently the new hire couldn't handle it, sheesh. Anyway, woo hoo!

Got tickets to the Drive Thru Invasion tour on Friday. My coworker apparently knows Homegrown really well, and is going to try to get me backstage passes. Now I know people like to promise things and "forget about it", or "never do it" but we gave eachother our cell phones so it'll work. Except that I did ask for the right day off afterall, and they never gave it to me. If I'm lucky I'll get off an hour early and race down there but usually you'd go backstage before the show so....that sucks. I like Senses Fail better, but for a poppunk band Homegrown is one of my favs. Just a different sound. So I'm way excited to see Senses Fail, it'll be my second time, this time knowing who they are yay!

I called around for guitar lessons but I'll hold off on that till I figure out my work schedules. I bought a tanning package, they're expensive, geez! But I never broke out when I went tanning, plus I looked tan. Well..for me. So I decided, hey, might as well get one. 8 minutes is all, and I'm burnt! Peice of crap... Stupid face, usually I go through phases were I have zits and I dont think twice about them but this phase just keeps getting worse and isn't going away...sad. So that's my life. It rained today and i thought, i'm so ungrateful, clear skies and I wont go out on my skateboard! Than the sun came out and I totally disregarded that thought, haha. Funny how that works huh. Well ok, that's all folks.

highfedility @ 2003-08-23T19:00:00

2003-08-24T02:11:29Z

Hanging out with Tyler wasn't that weird, it was unusual but it was fun. You never really know how your coworkers feel about you, so now I feel pretty secure that there's no real feelings I'm not being told, which I always wondered. Especially Tyler, he's got something to say about everyone. So it all went well in the long run eh? :) So I ate the salad that came with their meals, breadsticks and a raspberry lemonade. I was dissapointed in the lemonade, it could have been sooo much better. So he drops me off at Tonya's, all the cars are there, door unlocked, but everyone's gone. Even the baby. It'd be the assumption that they walked somewhere....but with Hunter? Thats waaay too much effort. So i sat alone in their house and got my dad to pick me up. As soon as he arrives Sheldon and Tonya return from blockbuster! haha, I scared them. In the process of trying to hide I still freaked Sheldon out, muahaha. So yeah, apparently Erin and Hunter went to Idaho...random.

I'm so tired. 7 hours in retail kills. No, I worked 9 yesterday but today was worse cuz it was ultra busy. ULTRA! The shoes I tell ya, it was madness. You got a brand, than a style, and the number to the style cuz some styles have 4 different styles to a style. EX: Etnie's Callicut. Well, there's the suede ones, the not suede ones, the white, the black. Ok, so I was working like 3 or 4 people and they all wanted like 2 shoes each. But as soon as I'd help one they'd want 2 more, and then different sizes, than 3 different shoes and so would the other person. My brain... I can't think. And 2 customers, we went through so many shoes and we didn't have their size! So yeah, madness.

And I got this big ol meatball and provelone sub, which wasn't as good as it could have fun, and hid out next to the big window (food court, there's 2 person tables up next to the gigantic window outlooking the parking lot) cuz I knew it'd be messy and I didn't want to be stared at. And this old guy comes up to me in mid meal and says, hey you, you've got a halo, your shimmering :) And points to I guess some light reflection on the window above my head. It was cute, but freaky. Haha, so I go out of my way to avoid people and one comes up. haha. This journal entry is really useless blabbing so feel free to skip past.

YAAAAAAAAY!

2003-08-23T02:48:10Z

Joanna wrote me an email! I haven't been forgotton afterall! I wrote her an email weeks ago..literally. It was a notice for truency :) It was fun. I tried to make it all professional and office like. So ofcourse she replies to it like 3 weeks later. But who cares, it made me happy.

McDonalds, blah!

2003-08-23T02:18:03Z

I've officially eaten McDonalds 4 times this week, 4! You'd think the food court at the mall would be exciting since you get variety at lunch, but oh no. This food court sucks! It's got: Taco time(sick), Panda Express(sick), Paradise Bakery(dull), McDonalds(ugh), USA subs(jerks wont take cards), Honey Baked Ham(idiots took my item off the menu)Japanese place(ok), Thai place(uhhh no), Orange Julius(for a meal?)Sabarro the pizza place(sick looking pizza) and that's it. The fact that I can name them all says one thing. So my dad wanted Mcdonalds tonight, he hasn't had it for months. I hadn't either, before. So we went there and I'm so incredibly full. Then my manager calls me up, very weird. Totally weird, I'm nervous weird. His friend and her boyfriend are going to the Olive Garden with him and he asked if I wanted to go. I just ate, but I told him I'd order a drink or something. This is weird. Hm. That's like stacy calling me up. I guess at his old work he was outside friends with his coworkers (he just graduated from highschool, hm.he seems my age. but yeah, he's not like old, that'd be freaky), so yes. I'm still weird anyway. Wow. This is gonna be weird. He's picking me up, might as well not waste my gas. So yes, odd.

Sick, I have heartburn. I think this is a problem. I always get it now, what the crap! And no, it's not from fast food. I'm falling apart and I'm only 19. And a half (a manager from clackamas who filled in today informed me of that, hhaa). K, this is anything but inspiring.

Soooooo, I really wonder if I should buy a season pass for snowboarding. Ok, I think I'm going to be sick.

highfedility @ 2003-08-20T21:50:00

2003-08-21T05:06:35Z

I just ate skittles, and now I have holes on the roof of my mouth from chewing the hard little things. Cocoa puffs do that too, it just plain sucks.

I've been working so much lately, next week I work 7 hour shifts. Part of me thinks, yes! Hours! The other part.... I really dont want to work that much. It depends who's on shift. The main manager, oh my, I wont even go off. But I always feel so inadequate around her, yet she can be so nice. Example, I'm talking to my coworker about something, mid sentence as she says my name, and than says it again really sternly and doesn't tell me what she wants to I see someone at the register and ask if they need help and she goes on to tell me to do mark downs and no, not the register. But the way she said it, it was like, I could kill you right now, dont you ever listen?! Yeah. Times that kind of situation by a bunch and that was work today. She didn't get her ciggarette break, atleast I got an answer and figured out it wasn't all me. But geez, it's not like I can just be bitter and go on my way. Her impression on me results in good things, like hours, and...well obvious good things. Anyway, ciggarettes, sheesh. Doesn't that tell you to quit?!

So I bought jeans the other day, Volcom ones. Expensive, but I really liked them. Only problem was they were tighter than I'm used to (i'm used to oversized stupid ones) but you can't exactly bust out the indian style seating with flexibility but I'd deal with that. So i put them on at home and the stupid belt loops ripped! Not all the way but enough. A freakin 58 dollar pair of pants, ones I actually amazingly found that fit me, what kind of quality is this?! Took them back to exchange and the pair I almost got had one completely ripped off. Geez. Now it's those or the Abercrombie ones that fit me but it's got that stupid frayed/vintage/ "broken in" look. I like the vintage color but c'mon, that store over does it. Anyway, they actually fit me too but they're like 60 bucks too. All other jeans are stretch, I dont want stretch, what is up with the stetch jeans?! Unless I get them too big in the waist, the legs cling to fit and ugh. No thanx. So yes. Kinda sucks. I still want jeans. The only jeans that I seem to like are expensive, blah! So that's my venting although I was over it the other day i still could talk about it, which I just did.

I need to move to Utah. Seriously, there are just no guys here. I know if a guy will work when I meet him. Ok, I'm not that closeminded, I totally give the chance. But you know when you talk to someone and you think, ah...this could be an opportunity. Yeah well. Any of those resulted in me hanging out with people and them being there and deciding they really arent the personality that would go with me. Dangit. So what do all mormons, people with my standards and morals, that are my age, go? Utah. I want to stay home. But at the same time, I could go to the town that is full of people my age who dont party. Hmmm. Ok, well I dont even have a car. Whatever.

Joanna never calls me. Ever.

Excitment for the day: I went out and bought myself some new nailpolish. It's an addiction, the only way I dont bite my fingernails off. Been traumatizing them since a youngster, and everytime I break the habit, the day comes where I freak out and can't physically handle any thing considered nail and tear them off to shreds. yeah, so I'm avoiding that.

I'm boring, I really am. My skateboard sits in my truck cuz I dont have anyone to skate with and I still haven't gotton myself to go to the guitar shop to see when lessons are. I haven't checked back on my costco ap. That's a sucky thing about me, obviously I never like anything enough cuz if I did I would do it.

I wanna be an Aussie

2003-08-15T19:40:30Z

Alright, so I get paid today! I'm so excited! These past two weeks, I've worked the most hours I've ever worked for Pac Sun, so I'm really hoping for a paycheck with atleast a "2" in the front. Cuz really, $180 is the most I've gotton and that's just sad. So I wake up and I can't move my shoulders. Well, my traps. Hmm, I can't figure out what happened but they hurt so I decided I'm not going to my cool little class today cuz a heavy bar sitting on them for a good while isn't too tempting. I was so close! I haven't worked out in 2 weeks :(

So I want to go to Austraila. I stayed up pretty late last night watching tv, and I actually watched that blind date show. Yes, pathetic. But some aussie dude was on it and it was way cool, I wish I could talk like that. I watched the making of American Pie too, woah. Enough said about that. I haven't ventured out on my skateboard yet. I just suck, with everything. Well that wasn't too positive, but it's like, I think I'm progressing then when I attempt later, I just start where I started last time. I'm gonna take guitar lessons. I was looking at PCC classes online yesterday, I hate it when I do that. I dont know what I want to do. Maybe I could rent a video camera and just have fun with it, see if it interests me as much as I think it might. I really hate the feeling that my choice right now will have such an impact on my future, that really freaks me out.